By ABC News’s chief national correspondent, an unflinching look at panic attacks by a reporter whose career was nearly derailed by them, offering readers a guide to making a truce with their warring minds.

Matt Gutman can tell you the precise moment that his life was upended, even if he can’t remember it. Reporting live on Kobe Bryant’s death by helicopter crash in January 2020, Gutman found himself in the throes of an on-air panic attack—and not for the first time. The truth is that Gutman had been suffering panic attacks in secret for twenty years: gut-wrenching episodes that left his vision constricted, his body damp, his nerves shot. Despite the affliction, he had managed to carve out a formidable career for himself, reporting from warzones and natural disasters before millions of viewers on “Good Morning America” and “World News Tonight.” He had always managed to “punch through” his panic, his TV appearances kinetic and often unforgettable.
     But Gutman’s January 2020 broadcast would be noteworthy for all the wrong reasons. In his panicked state, with the facts of Bryant’s death still uncertain, Gutman would miscast the reality of the crash, causing undue pain and confusion. His blunder would lead to a month-long suspension from ABC News, not to mention heaps of shame and regret for the hurt he had inadvertently caused. 
     It was a wake-up call. Gutman’s panic attacks, long written off as simple “nerves,” were too much for him to bear in secret. He needed help.
     So begins Gutman’s journey into the science and treatment of panic attacks. He would talk to the world’s foremost scholars on panic and anxiety—they would show him that his mind wasn’t broken, merely in need of recalibration. He would consult therapists and shamans, trying everything from group treatment and CBT to ayahuasca and psilocybin.  And he would take a hard look at the way the trauma of his youth—including his father’s death in a plane crash at 42—still reverberated inside him.
     Unsparing, perceptive, and often funny, this is the story of a panic sufferer who decided to take on the monster within. Filled with wisdom and actionable insights, it’s both an inspirational journey and a roadmap—if not toward a singular cure, then to something only more worthy: peace of mind.

MATT GUTMAN is ABC News’ chief national correspondent. A multi-award winning reporter, Gutman contributes regularly to “World News Tonight with David Muir,” “20/20,” “Good Morning America” and “Nightline.” He has reported from 50 countries across the globe and is the author of The Boys in the Cave: Deep Inside the Impossible Rescue in Thailand.  He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two children.