by Dr. Jerry Jones

Beyond the Storm

In Memory of Claudette

Claudette taught me much about living but even more about dying.

When Claudette and I married in December 1959, I never dreamed she would precede me in death. She began her five-year battle with cancer in November 1989 and died in November 1994.

Claudette's illness began with simple back pain. After many visits to the doctor, cancer was discovered in her spinal column between her shoulder blades. During the next five years, she received radiation and chemo treatments. While she had brief periods of remission, the cancer always resurfaced in other areas of her body, and it was always inoperable.

On October 10, 1992, Claudette's birthday, the doctors told her she wouldn't live to see her next birthday. Claudette wrote an inspiring article titled "My Last Birthday," which appeared in the Christian Woman magazine. Claudette did live to see her birthday in 1993 and in 1994, but because of her gradual decline, she eventually required supplemental oxygen, a wheelchair, and constant care.

When Claudette realized that the treatments were only buying her time and were never going to cure her, she began to prepare herself, me, and the rest of the family for her death. She kept a journal of her thoughts. She boxed up items she wanted each child to have. She made last visits to friends, relatives, and her mother. She discussed her funeral plans in detail with me and told me what to do with the family the first Christmas without her.

In spite of pain and the pressures of her illness, Claudette maintained a positive and cheerful attitude. She had few periods of depression. In fact, those who visited her left feeling blessed by her. Claudette had the ability to see humor in serious situations. Two situations I will always remember. One of the side effects of the morphine she was taking for pain was uncontrollable jerking -- she would drop books or pencils or even slap herself accidentally. On a routine visit, a nurse asked, "Claudette, how are you doing with 'the jerks'?"

Claudette said, "I'm doing just fine; I've gotten used to them."

"How did you get used to 'the jerks'?" the nurse asked.

Without missing a beat, Claudette said, "I've been living with one for thirty-five years!"

The second situation occurred in connection with her medication. One morning she sat down near me in the family room and asked me to dial a number on the telephone as she picked up the receiver. I didn't know who I was dialing, but after a minute I realized that she was talking to the Wal-Mart pharmacy. She told the pharmacist that she needed to have a prescription refilled and noted that the prescription was for a sixty-day supply, and then she said, "I am a terminal cancer patient; so I only need a thirty-day supply." When she hung up the phone, I was at a loss for words. How should I respond? I finally said, "I imagine you wouldn't buy green bananas, either!"

The last week of Claudette's life was difficult. Because she chose to die at home, we had to rent a hospital bed for her. She objected to the bed because she saw it as a step down in her recovery, even though she knew she was dying. Two of my three children, as well as several close friends, were present when she died. When death and relief finally came for her, the atmosphere in the house was joyful; we all knew that Claudette was now free from pain and that she had won the victory.

Seeing one you love slowly die over a period of five years isn't easy. I know. Losing a loved one in an accidental death is hard, and losing a loved one due to unexpected health problems is likewise difficult. Each type of death carries with it a different set of emotions. Recovering from the death of a loved one is a very individual matter. There is no right way or wrong way to handle death and grief. Even though no two situations are ever the same, I believe that the following lessons I learned along my journey can bless the lives of others.

View death as a reality for all people. Despite the precautions we take, we can't control how death will come. Death brings pain; pain is the price we pay for love. If you didn't love so deeply, the pain of loss wouldn't be so great. Expressing grief is natural. Paul declared that he would have had "sorrow upon sorrow" had Epaphroditus died (Phil. 2:27).

Bring closure to the death of your loved one. In my case, I had the assurance that I had done everything I could to sustain Claudette's life and make it comfortable. We had time to reaffirm our love and appreciation for one another. Once she was gone, I needed to close that chapter of my life. However, some don't have the opportunity to say and do all they can for the deceased, and this can result in guilt. The one left behind to grieve must accept the fact that no situation is ever handled perfectly and that doing it differently might not have been better than the way it was done. There's nothing more you can do for the loved one who died; you must go on with your life.

Learn to deal with the newfound freedom one day at a time. I had been married for thirty-five years, and it felt strange to be single. I had become free in a new way. The admonition to live one day at a time is the best available. Trying to project months down the road isn't wise.

Develop close relationships with others. Have these relationships in place before and after the death of a spouse. You need some sounding boards for your thoughts and feelings. Choose those who will be open and honest with you and who may, at times, disagree with you.

Do something for yourself. If you have been a caregiver for a long time, you need to invest in yourself a little. I'm not suggesting that you buy a new red sports car, but a shopping spree might be in order, as well as some short trips with friends.

Translate your loved one from the present to memories. Accept the reality that your loved one isn't coming back. You will always have memories to cherish, but you will never have his or her physical presence again. Death isn't the extinguishing of a light; rather, it is the turning off of a lamp because the dawn has come.

Learn to live life among problems. Sometimes problems are a result of our actions, but many times, they come through no fault of our own. Life has never been problem free. You may declare the unfairness of life, but this too is a reality of living.

You can be a better person as a result of living through adversity. When others face the same challenges you have faced, you can speak with credibility. You have a deeper empathy for others. Your ability to minister to others will be enhanced.

Trust in the Lord's wisdom -- anyway. Adversity demands a trust in God previously unknown. The answer to Why? can be forever unanswered. Failure to see good in adversity is common, especially when there is no rhyme or reason for it, but you must trust anyway. It isn't easy to walk by faith and not by sight.

Creating a new agenda for your life isn't wrong. There can be more than one plan for your life, and finding a new direction can be exciting and challenging. Choose to bloom where you have been planted. The roads of bitterness and self-pity bring unhappiness and depression. You may feel limited in your ability to go on with life, but going on will ultimately bring the greatest sense of accomplishment and happiness.

-- Jerry Jones

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Excerpted from Beyond the Storm by Jerry Jones
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